The Grass Is Always Greener... If You Water It.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written anything, this is partially due to business of starting a new semester, and partially due to the fact that nothing has struck me as writeable lately. However recent developments in a friend’s old (and terribly unhealthy) relationship, a new job I quit a day later (that’s a story in itself), and a few odd weekends, my life has once again returned to just as quirky as last semester.

I thought I was ready to return the life of a restaurant worker when this semester started, mostly because I am extra-broke, meaning more broke than usual; however I tricked myself, typical. The lure of free-flowing waitress cash led me to a new restaurant in Santa Barbara last Saturday night. I also tricked myself into thinking I was ready to handle another awful boss, throwback to my senior year of high school working under an insecure, power thriving, passive aggressive Spanish chef with a tendency to cry and make my life miserable. The man interviewing me from this new restaurant reminded me creepily much of this woman from my authority-issue years, with his broken English, bossy nature, and excellent food creating skills. After starting a night at this new restaurant and finding out you cannot serve alcohol in California until you are 21 (18 in Washington), and therefore waitress at all under 21, I realized I was not ready to again sacrifice all my free time for this free-flowing cash. After an awkward phone call explaining why it simply was not a good fit for me to continue to train there, when I really just hated the boss and wanted more money than I was going to make, I returned to my peculiar nannying job. Let me rephrase that; I thought I returned to my nannying job. I got a phone call two days later letting me know that the family would like me for different days of the week. I have yet to figure out what other days those are or when else I can fit some crazy kiddos into my crazy nerdy lab schedule. For now, I have no expected income, a dwindling bank account, and some faith that the Big Man Upstairs is going to make something happen.

While I was sitting through an exceptionally long church service this morning about interpretation of the bible, my mind wandered (oops) to interpreting situations. As shown by many statistics, two people can watch an incident and each walk away with a different perception of the same happening. Recognizing, understanding, and respecting that other’s past and identity shape even current interpretation of life is a profound social skill. However this post is not about social interactions, nor is it about respecting the perspective of others; it is instead about learning your own perspective. Your unique perspective significantly shapes your reaction to every day interactions, and most importantly, life’s most difficult situations.

The measure of a strong person is not how they carry out every day actions, but instead how they respond to being stressed and stretched. Part of life is dealing with situations we would like to opt out of but fortunately (yes I meant fortunately) we cannot, consequently shaping the strong into stronger, and exposing the weak as quitters. Tying one’s perspective into a strong person, I think you have a choice as to how you face these difficult situations. In the storm of a hard time, no matter one’s past influence on current perspective, one has a choice as to how he or she responds the situation. You have control over your perspective. I would encourage all that are facing a difficult situation to choose to conquer.  

A few things I realized today: Celicia (my car, see previous posts for an explanation for her difficult life) is older than most of my friends (DOB circa 1990). She is a little hyperactive, revving up non-stop in neutral. I have yet to make the sign to stick to my window saying, “No, sorry, I don’t want to race you, my car just sucks that bad”. On one hand, I have a $600 car that could break down any moment, sucking gas, and embarrassing me on a daily basis. On another hand I have no car payments, cheap insurance, and a way to get around with relatively good gas mileage. In someone’s eyes (occasionally my own), I am drowning in student loan debt, pinching pennies, all for some form of what America calls education right now. However, I am choosing to take the chance to pursue my dream of being a doctor, learning lessons such as how to work hard, picking up a few social skills at college, and making some friendships I hope last until I stop breathing one day.

Life is never easy, if you think it is no one likes you and you don’t know it. Grab this beautifully difficult life by the ears and say, “I’m going to show you what I’m made of”. Good luck finding life’s ears. Just kidding, that’s all hypothetical. Recognize your perspective on life; be thankful for the lessons you take away from the most difficult days, and never stop counting your blessings. No one feels like they have everything, but in truth you have everything you need if you let it be all you need. 

Fortunate Cole

Sadly I will not be telling you just yet what the name of this post means, but it is a pretty important part to why I feel like writing at 3am on a Monday night. Sometimes writing brings a pinch of logic to my innately restless mind. In light of everyone making their resolutions for the year, I have resolved to not make any. I hope you see the irony in that because I giggled to myself writing it. Instead of thinking about what I will be doing differently this year compared to 2011, just how much my life has changed in the past year is on my mind. One year ago today I was in a long-term relationship, half way through my freshman year of college, forcefully comfortable and fearful of what was to come. I wanted out of my long relationship for a while deep inside, but was too afraid of change to even be honest enough with myself to get out of the relationship. One year ago today, I was unknowingly waist-high in one of the biggest changes I may ever go through, the transformation into a lover of change.

This morning when I woke up, or this afternoon I sadly admit, I sat on the phone with my good friend from school Annabelle for about 45 minutes. She loves when I mention her on here. We talked a little about our break so far, and a little more about different this next semester will be from the one that just ended. I will have a little less of an academic load comparatively, she is less than a month out of a ten-month relationship, and some of our friends have returned from taking time abroad. It took me until about half-way through the day (around dinnertime for me, gross) to realize what I said to Annabelle this morning of significance in relation to change in my life. “Yes, this semester will be different, but I love change.”

I have come to strangely love the success of sticking out a change, and the benefits of being uncomfortable. Just walking by an outdoor store in the mall makes me want to grab my backpack, throw on some layers, and adventure somewhere unfamiliar. I no longer fear change, but instead crave it. Somehow learning to live in the moment, without looking too far ahead at all, slightly satisfies this odd desire for the unfamiliar.

This is on my mind tonight because I am leading a double life, but not in the way you may be thinking. Each life knows of the other, and they both have shaped me an incredible amount into the one person that I am, and still becoming, but my lives will never meet each other face to face. Pieces intertwine, but the wholes of the lives stay separate with those pieces reaching across many miles lightly overlapping. My friends in Santa Barbara have heard the many stories of my wonderful friends I have grown up with, and all of our adventures. The opposite is also true of my friends I have grown up with. Although my environment, and the people that fill it, change so often, I have thankfully learned how to keep my identity in that transition. However, as the days draw to a close for the three-week stretch of the school year I spend in Seattle, I can’t help but feel a raw mixture of emotions. Often people use that phrase when they don’t want to be honest with themselves about one side of their mixture, but I truly feel both excited for the upcoming semester, and slightly saddened to again leave the people I love so much here for another jaunt of time.

The only reason I feel this mixture is because of the summer I spent here in Seattle. My mother demanded I return to Seattle for the summer after my first year of college; however I felt so strongly I had left it for good that I almost broke her heart for a summer in Santa Barbara. I had an apartment in mind in Santa Barbara with my friends, and would have had no trouble finding a restaurant job for the summer. Both the fear of hurting my family and the sheer stupidity of passing up a job in Seattle I knew I had, and free living at home, led me to Seattle for the best summer of my life. Nothing was planned, except for my backpacking trip and family vacation, and every day was overflowing with surprises. I knew my work schedule week to week, but I knew nothing of each day as it began. Spare hours were filled with some hikes, a great boy, and relaxing time with friends. If I had not been required to return this past summer, I would have never truly returned and made new roots in California. 

Reflecting on just how content I felt all summer reminds me how important not fearing in thinking of tomorrow is. Live in today alone. On Saturday I will again leave my wonderful life here in Seattle, in exchange for a few more months of another incredible life in one of the coolest cities in the US. I must be thankful for each day in both of my lives, and take the lessons between the two. The only way I do not feel more sad than excited for the repeated transition is when I remind myself to live in today. Tomorrow will come, and I have never ended a day wishing the day never happened. Thankful does not suffice to describe my emotions towards every day I spend in Seattle with these precious people, and exactly the same is true for my exciting, difficult, and spontaneous college life in Santa Barbara.

Life is too short to hold back. Take on each day seizing every opportunity, not worrying about tomorrow. Pray when you feel like you should, say yes leaning on intuition, and be honest with yourself. Also, don’t make my recurring mistake; take more pictures to look back on.