Although I’ve been told
several times in the past two weeks that you don’t lose any, you learn
instead, I am starting to sweetly disagree. From finding out I’ll be getting a
random roommate at the semester, to begging the student account office to let
me register if I give them almost every penny to my name, my losing streak
seems to be much outweighing my winning streak. In reflection, I have a
tendency to destroy relationships by keeping people at arm’s distance, and
accidentally walk on the nicest people in my life. I’ve got to find some
optimism, something to look forward to. Some family time with great food and a warm fireplace instead of a stuffy dorm room will hopefully rejuvenate my tired soul. I think my thought processes would flow more if I could focus on one thought long enough to tie it to the next, maybe next week. Stay with me here.
When I started writing this
post, I had a working car that I dropped almost $600 on after being stranded on
the side of the road last weekend. After tonight however, Celicia may be doomed
for another repair while I have a whopping $38 to my name. I bitterly wrote a
check to my school this week for part of the lab fees and parking permits I
never quite had enough money to spare and pay throughout the semester. After
explaining to them I had a little over $270 to my name, and that money wasn’t
going to come in time for me to get my classes and labs that the spots were
dwindling down, by God’s grace they let me register and my shit-show of a life
moved on to the next crisis. I signed away almost every bit of my bank account
and muttered to myself “You win some, and you lose some”. Lose again. Tonight
my car started revving itself up just as it did four months ago, life: 3
Chelsea: 0.
Leave it to my father to
make a plan to break down. My flight for Seattle leaves Tuesday at noon, so
even if I end up on the side of the road tomorrow night driving to LA, we’ve
got a plan. We’ll tow it in whatever city its in, and call in a rescue from any
one of our friends that lives in LA. It could have been worse; I could have
gotten more from my parent’s than their money problems and car curse in the
form of my dad’s nose. He took that joke well.
The past three not-real
relationships I have accidentally ended up in I have successfully kept some
great men far from my emotions. I blame it on being wild at heart, and speak
the truth when I say it will take quite a guy to tie me down. However in
reflection I think I may have passed up some opportunities for wonderful relationships by refusing to feel as tied down as I once did in a four-year relationship
with a jealous guy. My friends say a guy will come along that is willing to
break my barriers and fight me on it, but there’s a good chance I’ll be too
stubborn and end up an old, rich doctor with fifty cats. I don’t like cats that
much.
Somewhere in this mess of
misfortune there must be a silver lining. Will I come out of the hardest
semester of my undergraduate degree a harder working, stronger person or a
beaten down disgrace of a student? Will my weekly mistakes teach me a lesson at
some point or will I continue to just shake my head at myself as I fumble
around life?
Morning light will come, and
each trial will pass. If I make it out alive (or sane, that is) I’m sure I’ll be stronger in some
way. Even if today is a grind, tomorrow will be different. All the bad luck I’m
storing up hopefully means some good luck is on its way. Keep your chin up; the
rain will stop eventually. Unless of course you’re catching a flight to Seattle
the day after tomorrow. Thank God for chocolate.
