Yesterday I felt like a mess. People giggle at that when they play their coy, “Oh darn, hehe, I’m such a disaster!” Said the cutest girl in the movies. I do not mean a cute mess; I mean I slept three hours, worked in the emergency room for nine, I am in a wedding party in two days, and moving in three and haven’t packed anything - type of mess. This is not cute. This is frantic. Oh, I forgot, I start my senior year of college in five days. On a day like this, everything feels like cause for a riot. Some good examples include: Someone cut me off and I want to ram my new car into them to teach them a lesson on being inconsiderate. Andrew said he has to go to something for soccer when we were supposed to have dinner, he really should just quit the soccer team because I hate training camp. I went shopping and could not find a computer case, all of life sucks and of course this is indicative of the the school year sucking as well. The examples on how nutty I felt yesterday could take over the entire blog, but one more example and you will start to doubt thoroughly my sanity.
Why does my boyfriend put up with me?
Every time I have started a blog since my last post, in November, I begin with an explanation as to why I have written eight posts in those months and none were what I wanted to post. The last one was only a few weeks ago, teaching a lesson on how much more important it is to be balanced than to have extra money. I say I will edit it in the morning, but the morning gets commandeered by something else and the post never goes up. Today, I started in the morning, that should do the trick. Also, I dreamt about writing so I think that was a subconscious hint that complacency has been disturbed. I have always written through times of change, whether it was journaling as a kid through childish break-ups or blogging through the death of a family member. Writing forces me to sort out my thoughts. My lack of writing correlates with my lack of introspection.
As I mentioned earlier, mostly joking, school does start in five days. I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid, a packer, a mover, a roommate, a waitress, a scribe, a girlfriend, a friend, a senior in college, and a student all in the next five days.
I have been dealt a strange set of cards for my senior year of college. In June, I thought I was going to need to change my entire schedule for financial reasons and graduate in a semester rather than a year. Later in June, my financial problem was resolved and I changed my schedule back again. Unnecessary trouble is my middle name. Throughout all of this summer, I have been on the waiting list to be approved to live in housing that my school doesn’t own. While all of my friends have been approved, I have not. My friends paired off and found houses and are looking forward to living with each other and decorating the house they will make life long memories in. In the meantime, I am moving back into the shitty apartment complex I lived in last year that the school owns, with strangers, and paying triple what it’s worth. Extortion.
With the classes I did not expect, roommates I have never met, and the prospect of graduating college at the forefront of my thoughts it is safe to say I have a fair amount to mull over.
After almost a year in the emergency room, I decided it was time to stop commuting an hour round trip for $9.00 an hour and stay close to school. I sent in my notice a month in advance. As I have said every school year since I was old enough to realize I am an underachiever, I need straight A’s and I need to remove my distractions. Yesterday, I got an email that I have the opportunity to transfer to the emergency room close to school. After being at peace with leaving the hospital for a while now, I have yet another decision to make in a few days. Deep down, I know I do not have the time to work in the ER during school. Another part of me is simply drawn to it, giving me energy to stay up for 30 hours just to see another code come in.
In the midst of all these decisions and change, I was drowning in self pity all day. I was fearful for the upcoming year when I don’t know where I’m headed after college. I was dreading moving again when I have so much going on otherwise. I was frustrated with so many things that were out of my control. For nights I have fought with the sandman. I have not been able to rest knowing that there are a wild number of things coming at me that are out of my desperate control. Culminating my exhausting day yesterday, I finally slept eleven hours undisturbed and woke up feeling like a warrior. I opened my eyes, kicked the sheets off me, and gave a battle cry to the day. I also listened to Katy Perry’s new song “Roar” and that may have had an effect on my mood. For someone who claimed to enjoy the benefits of adventures and change, I realized I had become too comfortable again.
My dreams of writing must have been encouraging because I woke up this morning ready to deal with my anxieties of the upcoming year, face this crazy week, to own my last year of college, and ready to go with these memory-making opportunities life has thrown at me.
Be encouraged in change. No matter the stretching turmoil, whether it be what you had anticipated for months or simply the definition of a curve-ball, be encouraged. The benefits on your soul in change, forcing you to address your identity as a whole when out of your comfort zone, are vital to knowing and respecting yourself.
If you’re like me, you need to be reminded of this even if a week ago you had mastered the change-embracing attitude. So be encouraged, friends, that being uncomfortable is always beneficial.
